Sawyer's Birth Story

Where do I even start? I'm finally gaining the courage to share the story of Sawyer's birth. I had a couple of you pregnant mama's ask me if I was going to share and in all honesty I felt it best that I didn't, just so that I didn't scare anyone, lol. Sawyer just turned two months on Super Bowl Sunday and I am finally able to put everything into words. I also did not want to wait so long that I forgot any of the details, BUT if I would have written this any sooner, it would have sounded like this: Never doing that again. Sawyer will be an only child. I died and came back to life. No words can describe what I just went through. Haha! Now that I've let some time pass, I'm able to reflect on the positive. Childbirth is so dang emotional, but beautiful. I used to watch the birthing shows on TLC when I was younger and I was always so fascinated with it. So much that I actually wanted to be a midwife for so long, just so I could whitness babies being born every day. For some reason, I turned 19-20 and couldn't stand the sight of a needle, so that profession went out of the window quickly. I've NEVER been able to watch a baby being born without crying, however, I've never actually seen it in person. Anytime that its been on a tv show or movie.. I'm all like.. who's cutting onions? But on a serious note, I thought I'd be an absolute emotional mess.. ugly cry and all.. when Sawyer came out.. to my surprise, I was not. I think I was just in so much pain that I was thankful it was over. I could finally take a breath. It's crazy what our bodies can go through. I look back on it all and it's truly an outer body experience.

My delivery robe is from PinkBlush

which, lets be honest, I only wore for the picture. I couldn't even dress myself really until we were about to go home.

So, I'm sure you're ready for me to cut to the chase. 

My due date was Dec. 2nd. My doctor and I discussed previously that I would be induced on Dec. 3rd if Sawyer did not come on her own before then. He was on call that day and I told him that I did not want to go too far past my due date, so I basically let him choose and we went with it. He said that my cervix was ready or else he would not induce so soon. I was dilated 2cm for WEEKS and effaced 40%, I believe. Any ways, my doctor and I shook hands and he told me he'd see me at the birthday party, lol.

2 weeks leading up to Sawyer's birth:

I tried primrose oil (by mouth, no, not up my hoo ha), walking, bouncing on the ball, raspberry leaf tea every night, curry chicken, mani pedi.. you name it.. it didn't work.

Dec. 2nd 2018 - Due Date

My mom came over to stay the night since I was being induced early the next morning. I couldn't breathe the entire day. I even worried that night that because I had stressed all day, I may have stressed Sawyer and put myself at risk for a c section. When we're pregnant we worry so dang much, it's unreal. Sawyer was fine. My mom cooked us soup because people say frozen meals are easy after delivery - to tell you the honest truth, it's still in my freezer and mom's don't get to eat, haha. You'll never have another peaceful meal again, so I really wish I would have eaten the hell out of that soup that night. We then watched Hallmark Christmas movies in the "babe cave" (my comfort space).. once I noticed mom was yawning around 11, I told her it was ok for us to go to bed... Totally lied, I needed her. I went to bed, Travis came to bed, I could feel every breath, slowwwwllllyy and deeply. I had him tickle my arm to take my mind off the anxiety-- I knew that once I fell asleep and woke up, it was go time. Once I woke up, I knew we were going to get our baby. * Just FYI, I never truly felt contractions prior to induction, only TONS of Braxton hicks*

Dec. 3rd 2018 - Sawyer's birthday 

I woke up at 4am and started printing off poshmark orders. I got no sleep. Adrenaline had already set in and wtf was I doing worrying about poshmark?!! I took some last minute belly pictures, ate some jelly toast and drank a glass of OJ, bitched at Travis because he wanted to go get some "hospital snacks from the grocery store" when he had all fucking pregnancy to buy these snacks. I had been telling him for months to pack a bag and he knew when our induction date was. My mom was all worried about coffee and I'm like "Hello, I'm about to have an effing baby!"  

We set off for the hospital which is about 10 min from my house. It was still dark out. I wanted to record a cute video on the way to show Sawyer how excited we were to meet her, but was so anxious that I couldn't talk or move. We parked, checked in and soon enough we were in the hospital room …. waiting..

We checked in at 6:45am and they put in my IV around 7:30am. By the way it was a Monday morning, so of course they blew my vein (I bruised all the way to Christmas, literally). 

9:00am- my doctor made it in and ordered to start Pitocin. He checked my cervix and it had not changed. He said he would be back by lunch time to check my cervix again.

The computers started messing up, so then I had an IT guy come in the room to fix it.. meanwhile, I'm starting to have mild contractions.. oh, that's what contractions feel like, IT guy can go any time now. I then talked to my labor and delivery nurse about a plan. By the way, sweetest freaking lady on the planet. She says that I can ask for the epidural anytime and that it does not have any effects on how fast or slow labor will be. She did warn me that once I got it, I would have a catheter (ew) inserted and that I would be bed ridden from there on out. I decided to wait until my doctor came back around lunchtime to check my progression and decide from there. If I hadn't progressed much I wanted to be able to walk the halls and bounce on the ball to try to speed things up. If I would have gotten the epidural, I would have just been laying there waiting and Lord knows how long I would have been laying there. OK ppl, this was mistake #1 on my part!! My doctor ended up stuck in a c section. I was told he would now be in my room around 1pm. Ooook, so we wait until 1:00. My pain level around lunchtime was a solid 1-2 out of 10.

1:00pm- I'm told that my doctor was called into another c section, this time it was an emergency c section and he wouldn't be in to check my cervix until after that.
2:00-2:30pm- My contractions were steady, painful but still manageable. I talk to my nurse about medication options other than epidural because again, I wanted to see if my cervix had progressed first before getting the epidural. She says she can give me Stadol which is a narcotic and helps with the pain + also takes the edge off. My thought process was: "'Great! It'll take some of this pain away and I'll be a little loopy to the point where I wont care about the size of that epidural needle" mistake #2 - That stuff felt horrible, I couldn't even walk, room was spinning, it felt like a really bad drunk night and everything went down hill from there.
3:30pm- I couldn't breathe, talk, stand, walk. I was crying and my mom told the nurse I needed an epidural. Mind you, my sweet, sweet doctor still had not made it back to check my cervix *eye rolls* Travis and my little sister step out of the room so that they can administer the epidural (only one person can be in the room with you and mom said she'd be ok to stay). I basically straddled her, bear hugged her and was shaking uncontrollably. The anesthesiologist was reading me the precautions, blah blah blah, "do you agree?" and I'm all like "DUDE GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL!!" I get the epidural and I am waiting, waiting for the pain to subside. I asked the nurse why I still felt pain and she told me to lay on my side. I lay on my side and I'm about to tear the bed rail off, screaming through contractions and telling her that it still wasn't working. She's checking the monitors and I told my mom (the best I could) to get Laurel and Travis back in the room- I could feel crowning and I'd feel like an awful human being if Travis missed the birth of his first child! I always read that when the baby is ready to come, its out of your control, you can't just not push. Your body knows what it needs to do and that's that. I screamed to the nurse that she was coming- I was in total shock and panic mode. She checked my cervix and I was at a 9.5 (you start pushing at 10) the nurse could feel her head. She didn't even have time to insert a catheter and I had to pee the ENTIRE TIME but couldn't walk to the bathroom due to pain. My nurse started frantically texting my doctor that he needed to come right away (it's about 4pm). He almost didn't make it. My doctor came in suited up and told me to start pushing...

4:07pm 

My beautiful baby was here.

 I FELT EVERYTHING. I feel so bad for all the pregnant mamas in the hospital that could hear me, because I'm sure I scared them shitless. It's the weirdest thing because in between contractions, the pain completely goes away but you only have a second to breathe before it's back. I can't even describe to you what they feel like. My doctor told me to push with each contraction. I could feel them coming on and would try not to push, but he was watching to screen and could see them coming on as well.. no hiding it, haha. A contraction is one thing, but pushing and feeling a baby's head coming out with a contraction is another!!! Women who opt for a natural child birth as a freaking choice, I just want to know what's wrong with you? LOL. Kidding, but in a way I'm not. I don't know why anyone would purposefully want to go through that awful, awful pain. 

I labored for a total of 7 hours. They started Pitocin at 9am and I had her at 4:07pm. My doctor did have to cut me 1 degree. The stitching and delivering the placenta, etc. was the least of the pains. Even the cutting was the least of the pain. I think the burning + stretching feeling, along with the intense contractions was the worst of it. I do believe that had I gotten the epidural, I would have pushed for way longer and probably would have torn because I wouldn't have been able to physically feel the progress. I pushed for 10 min. tops because I could feel her and knew that if I just did what I had to do to push her out, the pain would be over with. I LOVE my doctor, don't get me wrong, but had he been there around lunch time to check my cervix, I think things would have went SOOOO much better pain wise. There's nothing he can do to help emergency c sections, and I get that, but I just pray next go round that I am able to get an epidural in good timing and that it actually works. Oh, and by the way I DIDNT poop! I know this because I asked the doctor- such a good sport he was! 

The hospital stay felt like weeks. Sawyer did not sleep at all the entire time we were in there. Nor did she sleep when we got home. The sleep deprivation is probably the hardest part of it all. Breastfeeding and healing "down there" is also extremely challenging but it has made me feel invincible. I just went through the hardest dang thing a woman can go through, hell a human being for that matter. Moms really are super human. 

My advice while in the hospital is to ask for help. Modesty goes out the window and the nurses are used to it so don't feel bad about being naked or asking them to help you with ANYTHING you need help with. Sawyer was pretty much  naked the entire time, as was I, haha. I remember towards the end of day two, I asked the nurse if people had dressed their babies by now because Sawyer was still only in a diaper and that hospital blanket they give you. It was just easier for us to do skin to skin and to breastfeed. She didn't get a bath until about 24 hours after birth. I was just too exhausted and I heard not bathing right away was good for them any way. 

The truths about birth and your hospital stay: every time you get up or sit down, you will gush blood. Every time you fall asleep, you will wake up 5 min. later because of someone entering your room or you doze off and are like "shit, I have a baby!" You will cry- baby blues suck. You will probably yell at your significant other at least once, ahah. I look back at how traumatizing Sawyer's birth was to me, but ask me today and I would do it all over again. The entire experience is a once in a life time.. call me weird, but I miss the hospital and those first couple of days SO MUCH. 

December 5th - Going Home

The day we left I was balling my eyes out. I apologized to the nurse who walked us out to our car and to Travis because I was that much of a mess. I knew that going home was supposed to be a positive, happy thing, but for me it was scary as hell. At the hospital, I could press a button and a nurse would be there in a heart beat if something were to happen to my baby.. but once we go home it was all on me (and Travis) to keep her alive. Not to mention, I had two pit bulls at home waiting on us and my entire pregnancy it seemed like every pit bull/baby mauling story came across my phone screen. It was terrifying taking her into the outside world and even into our home knowing the dogs could potentially harm her. Please note that my dogs are not aggressive, but they are still animals and ALL animals can be a little unpredictable at times. We did take dog and baby classes and hired a personal dog trainer throughout my pregnancy so that did help with my nerves and helped prepare us a little. They also took trazadone a couple weeks leading up to Sawyer's birth to help keep them calm. Bringing a baby home to two adult dogs who are already set in their ways can be extremely depressing for them, so I wanted things to go as smooth as possible. Our class told us that bringing a blanket home was pointless and would only cause unnecessary excitement. We also learned in the class that forcing a meeting between baby and the dogs right away was not a good idea. The teachers example was that you don't force a pizza in the dogs face once you walk in the door to get them used to the pizza, so don't force a baby in their face, just act like everything is normal and they will act normal. To my surprise the dogs did absolutely amazing (they were behind a gate, but when we did decide to have them all in the same room, everything was fine and they really didn't pay her any attention). I honestly think the dogs were just happy to have us home. To this day, the dogs know their boundaries in which I did not teach them. They just sort of know that this baby is a part of us and that she is our family now. They know not to get too close into her personal space. They will walk by and lick her head and keep walking every now and then but they don't seem phased by her what so ever. I am thankful. 

Here we are 2 months later and I am the happiest I have ever been. The baby blues don't last. If it turns into PP depression, please do not feel embarrassed to ask for help! Through this entire experience I learned that there are so many resources and most are free. Moms, it's easy to feel forgotten after baby is here and I totally get that. I went from glowing, getting compliments 24/7 while pregnant to feeling like I didn't matter any more. I couldn't understand why the baby had an appointment right out of the hospital, then a 2 week appointment, along with a 1 & 2 month appointment and I had to wait 6 LONG weeks to see my doctor about my healing. It's hard, but it does get better!! 

I hope this post doesn't scare anyone, pregnant or planning to get pregnant. I knew labor and delivery wasn't going to be easy and I know that women go through what I went through every single day. I have a whole new appreciation for mothers and my mother who also had me naturally (not by choice). Whether you're a c section mama, an epidural mama, a formula feeding mama or breast feeding mama, I know we all have struggles and hardships- I salute you all! Stillbirth mamas, I respect you the most and if you're a pregnant mama or going through IVF, miscarriage, a rainbow baby, etc... hang in there, the best is yet to come!! 

Sawyer's gown linked here

Xx, 

LeAnne